We see it everyday— a child in a busy grocery store begins to melt down.
Adults exchange knowing looks and judgments: “Why doesn’t that child know how to behave?” “Why can’t they self-regulate?”
This reaction isn’t just unfair; it’s profoundly misguided.
It stems from a harmful myth that has seeped into how we view
behavior, emotions, and development: the myth of self-regulation.
The Problem With “Self-Regulation”
The term "self-regulation" implies that individuals, including children, should control their emotions and behaviors independently. It suggests that the ability to “stay calm” or “act appropriately” is an innate skill and they are choosing to misbehave. This belief sets children up for failure and fuels judgment when they struggle.
But here’s the truth: nobody regulates alone. Not children. Not adults. Regulation isn’t a solo act—it’s a shared process deeply rooted in relationships and our environment.
From birth, humans depend on others to help manage emotions. A newborn finds calm in a caregiver’s embrace. A friend offers comfort in times of stress. A walk in the forest eases an overburdened mind. Regulation happens in connection—with people, with nature, and with our body systems.
What Is Emotional Regulation, Really?
At its core, emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, manage, and respond to emotions constructively. However, Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s groundbreaking research reveals that emotions aren’t reflexive reactions—they’re constructed by the brain based on past experiences, physical sensations, and environmental cues. This is called emotion construction.
This nuanced view of emotions shows us that regulation is far more complex than simply “calming down.” It’s not about compliance or control—it’s about learning and adaptation. And crucially, it’s a skill built through relational experiences.
Introducing “Relational Regulation”
I’ve coined the term relational regulation to describe how emotional regulation truly works: through connection. Whether it’s a parent soothing a crying toddler, friends supporting each other, or nature’s calming influence, regulation is relational by nature.
When we embrace this concept, we shift our focus from blaming individuals for their struggles to understanding the support they need to thrive. This shift is critical—not just for children but for everyone.
Why Self-Regulation Fails—and Relational Regulation Works
The myth of self-regulation sets up impossible expectations, especially for children. When a child is dysregulated—crying, yelling, or withdrawing—they’re often in survival mode. Their brain is flooded with stress hormones, and higher functions like reasoning and logic are offline.
Demanding that a child “calm down” in this state is like asking someone to run a marathon on a broken leg. It’s not only ineffective—it’s cruel.
Relational regulation, on the other hand, meets the child where they are. It acknowledges their struggle, offers support, and creates a safe space for their nervous system to reset. This is how emotional and behavioral skills are built—not through isolation, but through connection.
How Nature Supports Relational Regulation
One of the most powerful tools for relational regulation is nature. For millions of years, humans have relied on the natural world to build skills to calm our minds, regulate our emotions, and find balance. The rhythms of nature—birdsong, rustling leaves, the feel of wind on our skin—act as relational-regulators, soothing our nervous systems.
Risky Free Play
Research by Ellen Sandseter highlights the importance of risky free play in nature.
Activities like climbing trees or balancing on logs help children develop confidence, resilience, and emotional regulation.
These experiences teach kids how to navigate stress and adapt to challenges in ways artificial environments cannot replicate.
Quiet Observation
Practices like bird language and sit spots, popularized by Jon Young, encourage children to connect deeply with their environment. Observing nature builds patience, focus, and a sense of belonging—all essential components of relational regulation.
Physical Grounding
Nature engages our senses in ways that ground us. Walking barefoot on grass, feeling the coolness of a stream, or simply sitting under a tree brings us back to the present moment. These sensory experiences help reset both body and mind, making regulation easier.
Practical Strategies
for Relational Regulation
Here’s how you can support relational regulation in real-life situations:
Recognize Dysregulation
- Look for signs like crying, yelling, hitting, or withdrawing.
- Understand that these behaviors signal unmet needs and lack of skill—not defiance or misbehavior.
Provide Comfort First
- Use a calm and warm tone to signal safety.
- Offer physical comfort, like a hug, blanket, or just your presence.
- Adjust the environment: dim the lights, lower noise, or step outside.
Validate Their Experience
- Acknowledge their feelings with empathy:
“I see this is really hard for you. I’m here to help.”
“You’re safe. Let’s figure this out together.”
- Empathy builds trust and creates a foundation for relational-regulation.
Engage the Body to Support Regulation
- Try sensory-based calming strategies:
- Gentle rocking or pacing.
- Nature-based distractions like pointing out bird sounds or feeling the wind.
- Grounding exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (e.g., point to 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and one bird in the sky, etc..).
Reflect and Problem-Solve Together
- Once calm, help the child understand their feelings:
“Your hands wanted to throw things. What do you think was going on?”
- Collaboratively explore solutions for the future:
“Next time this happens, what can we do to feel better?”
Why Words Matter
Language shapes our understanding. When we call emotional regulation “self-regulation,” we perpetuate the idea that people—especially children—should manage alone. This isolates them and increases the shame around struggles.
By adopting terms like relational regulation, we acknowledge the importance of connection and support. We shift from judgment to understanding, from blame to collaboration. And we create a world where everyone, not just children, feels safe to grow, thrive and collaborate instead of isolate.
Building Resilient Children Through Connection
Children don’t need lectures on “behaving better.” No-one enjoys behaving badly! It is a cry for help. Children need us to show up with empathy, patience, and a willingness to relationally-regulate. They need safe relationships and environments where they can learn, grow, and thrive.
Nature offers an unparalleled backdrop for this process. Whether it’s risky free play, bird language, or simply spending time outdoors, nature provides the sensory and relational inputs children need to develop emotional and behavioral skills.
A Call to Action
It’s time to abandon the outdated idea of self-regulation. Let’s embrace relational regulation as the foundation for emotional health and connection. Together, we can create a world where no child is left to navigate their struggles alone.
Next time you see a child melting down—or feel yourself becoming overwhelmed—pause. Breathe. Remember: regulation is a team effort.
Will you join me in rewriting this narrative? Let’s move from compliance to connection, from isolation to collaboration, and build a future where everyone feels seen, supported, and celebrated.
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