Imagine walking into a classroom where a child sits quietly, hands folded, and eyes blank.
She completes tasks with precision but little interest, rarely engaging with her peers or the world around her.
On the surface, this might look like success—calm, compliant behavior. But beneath the surface, something essential is missing: connection, curiosity, and the spark of joy that makes learning meaningful.
This was the reality for a 10-year-old girl I worked with. After years of receiving Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) therapy, she had become the embodiment of compliance. She followed directions, stayed on task, and rarely caused disruptions. But she also rarely interacted with her environment, her peers, or even her teachers. The light in her eyes had dimmed.
Her story is not unique.
Many children subjected to compliance-based therapies like ABA become adept at masking their true selves, meeting external expectations while their internal world is left unexplored.
But what happens when we shift the focus from control to connection?
Understanding ABA: A Legacy of Compliance
To understand why ABA therapy remains controversial, we must examine its origins.
Developed by Dr. O. Ivar Lovaas in the 1960s, ABA was initially designed to make autistic children “indistinguishable” from their neurotypical peers. Lovaas’ methods were often dehumanizing, relying on physical punishment and rigid control.
Although many modern ABA practitioners reject these harsher methods, the foundation of the therapy—compliance—remains largely unchanged. This legacy raises critical questions:
Who defines “appropriate” behavior? And at what cost are we demanding compliance?
Behaviors like stimming (repetitive movements such as hand-flapping) are often targeted for elimination in ABA because they are deemed socially undesirable. Yet, these actions are crucial regulation tools for many children. Suppressing such behaviors not only ignores their function but can instill shame, anxiety, and emotional burnout.
Rediscovering Connection Through Curiosity
The 10-year-old girl I worked with had spent years in ABA therapy, learning to comply with demands but showing little interest in her environment or peers. Then one day, everything changed. I brought a stuffed bird into our therapy session—a simple toy that chirped when squeezed. She was fascinated. For the first time, she showed genuine curiosity, pressing the toy, tilting her head, and listening to the sound.
Seeing her engagement, I brought more stuffed birds, then introduced her to real bird sounds and eventually to the natural world outside.
Together, we went on short walks, listening for robins and sparrows and pointing out their movements. She began to connect with her surroundings, mimicking bird calls and showing joy in her discoveries.
The classroom staff were excited about her newfound interest and incorporated birds into her academics. Bird-related topics became the foundation for her reading, writing, and even art projects. Over time, her enthusiasm for birds transformed her learning experience—and her relationships.
A year later, this once-disconnected child was a lively participant in her classroom. She initiated conversations with peers and teachers, sharing her encyclopedic knowledge of birds. Her interactions with her environment were spontaneous and joyful.
She had exceeded every expectation adults had placed on her, not through compliance but through connection and curiosity.
The Harmful Focus on Compliance
This girl’s story illustrates a fundamental flaw in compliance-based approaches like ABA. While these methods may yield short-term behavioral changes, they often suppress individuality, emotional growth, and authentic engagement — and they don’t do anything to draw out the child’s unique genius.
1. Compliance Over Connection
ABA prioritizes compliance: “Sit still.” “Make eye contact.” “Don’t flap your hands.” These directives may create outwardly “appropriate” behavior, but they ignore the child’s emotional well-being and the underlying purpose of their actions. Behaviors like stimming are not problems to be fixed but vital tools for regulation.
2. Ignoring Individuality
Every child has unique strengths, interests, and potential. Compliance-based therapies often apply a one-size-fits-all approach, forcing children into molds that disregard their individuality and dampen their curiosity.
When we recognize and honor a child’s passions, as we did with this girl’s love of birds, we unlock their intrinsic motivation and capacity for growth.
3. Suppressing Joy and Curiosity
Joy and curiosity are the engines of learning. They fuel exploration, creativity, and the intrinsic drive to grow. Compliance-based methods often stifle these qualities, reducing learning to a series of meaningless tasks and rewards.
By nurturing this girl’s love of birds, we reignited her curiosity, transforming her from a passive participant to an active, engaged learner.
A Better Path: The Power of Connection
A Better Path: The Power of Connection
Research supports what this girl’s story demonstrates: connection is the foundation of meaningful growth.
- Lisa Feldman Barrett’s predictive brain model highlights that when children feel emotionally safe and connected, their brains interpret the world as a place of trust and possibility, paving the way for learning and resilience.
- Occupational therapy philosophy emphasizes the importance of meaningful engagement:
“Man, through the use of his hands, as they are energized by mind and will, can influence the state of his own health.” Mary Reilly, co-founder of Occupational Therapy
When we ask, “What is meaningful for this child?” we move beyond surface behaviors to nurture their deeper drives and authentic self.
Why Birds—and Nature—Matter
Birds became this girl’s gateway to connection, but their significance goes beyond her story. Birds offer children a way to engage their senses, develop focus, and build emotional regulation.
Tuning into birds is more than a novelty—it’s a way to activate the sensory-motor system that humans relied on for survival for millennia.
The NatureLed™ Approach:
Connection Over Control
Curiosity-Driven Learning:
Children thrive when their natural interests are nurtured.
Sensory Integration:
Activities like listening to bird calls or exploring textures in nature provide rich, multi-sensory experiences that support neurological development.
Emotional Safety:
Building trust and connection creates a foundation for lasting growth.
A Call to Action
The 10-year-old girl I worked with didn’t thrive because she followed commands—she thrived because she found something that mattered to her, and that unlocked a whole new world for her. By prioritizing connection over control, we gave her the tools to discover her voice, her joy, and her place in the world.
As parents, educators, and therapists, we must ask ourselves: Are we teaching children to comply, or are we helping them thrive? Are we suppressing their interests, or are we building on them? Are we focusing on control, or are we fostering connection?
When we choose connection, we don’t just teach children to follow rules—we help them discover who they are, how they learn, and what their unique contributions to this world might be.
So the next time you see a child who appears disinterested or unmotivated, pause and ask, “What’s meaningful to them?” The answer might surprise you—and it might change their life.
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